After 30 years of togetherness, now we’re living one day at a time

Today’s Shared Story is by Maria Nickerson, a retired executive assistant, who lives at
Twin Lakes Community, Burlington, North Carolina. Her husband, Stuart, served all over the world with Citibank for 35 years.

The gradual memory decline began for my husband about 15 years ago when he was in his early 70s.  Everyday tasks of daily life became a challenge. When we noticed the effect on his driving and how he handled the checkbook, we visited a neurologist. Soon he gave his diagnosis: Alzheimer’s.

Even though Stuart heard the doctor say the word, he has never mentioned it or asked about it. His cognitive decline continued slowly enough that I had time gradually to take over the management of our daily life.

Weak legs

Then about three years ago, his legs were getting increasingly weaker, causing balance issues and several falls, luckily without injuries.

The doctor prescribed physical therapy. It seemed to help for a while, but the decline continued.

During this time, his need for assistance in daily care also gradually increased. He went from using a cane to using a walker. But as long as he was able to stand and walk a few steps, I was able to care for him.

Then Covid came, and we got the shots and then the boosters.

Stuart and Maria posed at Mount Rushmore, September, 2014.

October 2021, the morning after the second booster, his legs lost all strength. After a short visit to the ER, he was then transferred to the long-term health-care facility of the continuing care community where we live. After about two months of physical therapy, he was able to return home, and I resumed the daily care. Showering did become more difficult, and we engaged a home health aide to assist him.

In the fall of 2022, it was time for the annual flu shot. And once again, the next morning, his legs gave out. Back to the ER, then back to long-term health care. But this time physical therapy did not help. He did not regain enough strength to enable him to return home. On the contrary, his mobility continued to decline, and he became a permanent resident of the long-term care facility*.

Changed lives

And our lives changed. After 30 years of togetherness, we were living apart.

A dear neighbor, whose wife was in the same facility at the time, recommended Unchosen Journey to me. It was God-sent!

Mark’s weekly posts and the stories and comments of others were and continue to be very helpful and comforting to me.

The adjustment was more difficult for me than for Stuart.

Stuart, due to his cognitive decline and lack of sense of time, is not aware that he will not return home. He now considers where he is as home. His room does have several paintings that had been part of his life for decades, which makes it a bit more like home.

It was Mark’s recent post about moving Evelyn to a care facility that prompted me to tell my story.

As Mark listed in that post, I did what was best for Stuart. The care he requires now is beyond what I can give. He is now in the capable and caring hands of professionals. Yes, it is lonely living without him, but being alone allows me to take care of myself so I can continue to be the loving wife by his side.

Our days today

I visit him daily. We now have quality time together, without the stress of getting him dressed/undressed, showered, changed, etc. We watch TV, participate in some activities, and interact with other residents and their spouses and family members. They, together with the staff and many dear neighbors, have become my support group and my family. Also, our community’s chapel is in the same building, and we attend services there every Sunday.

But still, some days are harder than others. It saddens me to know we’ll never go on trips together again, take walks, or go out to dinner. I’m grateful for the many trips we did take, the dinners we had, the life we shared for 30 years. I’m especially grateful for the wonderful, caring husband he was to me, and I pray daily for the strength to take care of him now.

*The steady decrease in his mobility was diagnosed as Guillain-Barré syndrome, a side effect of vaccines. He is not to receive any more vaccines because each subsequent one could worsen his condition.