Because? In spite of? I’m learning to be grateful in both situations
There are two kinds of gratitude:
Gratitude because . . . and
Gratitude in spite of . . . .
And if we think long about it, we may decide they most often happen together..
We’re thankful because we’re enjoying a wonderful vacation—and in spite of the fact it will end all too soon.
We’re thankful because we love our job—in spite of the person in the next cubicle whose loud voice often interrupts and distracts.
We’re thankful because we’re enjoying a wonderful dinner—in spite of the items on the menu our diet tells us not to enjoy and in spite of the indigestion or weight gain we’ll probably experience later because we went ahead and ate them anyway.
Living with compromises
Perhaps this syndrome is never more obvious than in the life of a caregiver. We caregivers are learning to live with compromises. And as time goes on and needs get greater, we may drift toward concentrating on the losses more than what’s left.
I’m learning not to do that. I’m working to remember all the reasons I can be thankful because without getting discouraged by each accompanying in spite of. And I decided Thanksgiving Day gives me the perfect push not to ignore gratitude just because it most often is accompanied by a negative.
Maybe a few items from my list can encourage others to write down some of their own.
Two-sided gratitude
I’m thankful because our whole family will be together for Thanksgiving, in spite of the fact that Evelyn’s decline will occasionally make our gathering uncomfortable and perhaps difficult.
I’m so thankful because my kids and their families offered to drive here instead of asking us to travel, in spite of the fact that the trip won’t be easy for them.
• My son and his wife and their son and their dog will trek across crowded interstates for 10 or 12 hours on the two busiest travel days of the year.
• My daughter and her husband will interrupt time with us to be with his family in the next state because they haven’t seen them at Thanksgiving for more than a decade and his mother is failing, too.
I’m grateful because Evelyn will sometimes enjoy all the hubbub of a family gathering, in spite of the times she won’t.
A growing list
And my list continues to grow when I think beyond the holiday.
I’m thankful because I’m helped by faithful caregivers who give me freedom, relieve me of some work around the house, and engage Evelyn in fresh ways—in spite of the fact that I never would have wanted to need them.
I’m thankful because I’ve discovered a wonderful support group filled with new friends, glad to encourage and advise in spite of the suffering they’re experiencing, too.
I’m thankful because Evelyn has doctors we trust, expert and thorough and available, in spite of our unspoken shared understanding that their therapies can only postpone the inevitable.
I’m thankful because of the way I’m lifted up almost daily by the many associations we enjoy as a result of our lifetime involvement with the church, in spite of the church’s many imperfections since it insists on including broken people like me.
I’m thankful because I have enough money, in spite of many ways I’m forced now to spend it.
I’m thankful because we have a comfortable home, in spite of my frustration with too few opportunities to visit someplace else.
I’m thankful because of the remarkable woman who agreed to spend her life with me, in spite of the many ways I’ve come too late to appreciate her gifts, now as they’re leaving her.
The energy I need
I don’t mean this to be bleak, only honest. There’s no point denying the negatives. The better course is to look for the blessings that accompany each one.
In spite of inescapable sadness and grief, I’m slowly learning daily to celebrate God’s goodness to me, because gratitude gives me the energy to keep doing the next right thing. And I’m glad.