Good people. Good question. Two words. Good weekend. Good progress
I made two new friends this weekend. They are a quietly impressive couple, noteworthy first because of the relaxed hospitality they offer but also because of the way they’re committed to finding people they can serve and encourage. They were hosting me and another couple for a two-day visit. The women in this quartet have been best friends for decades.
Not long into our first afternoon together, Pam asked me, “Is it difficult for you to be away from home like this?”
Good question
It was such a better question than “How is Evelyn?” because there’s no good answer to that. A sensitive person with any knowledge about Alzheimer’s already anticipates that Evelyn is not doing well. Instead, Pam wanted to know about me.
Bill and Pam Bache, the new friends I made this weekend.
I’m pleased to realize my answer to her was not full of sadness or tears or anxiety. I can be away from Evelyn without disabling worry or regret. And I can talk about her disease without breaking down. I’ll call that progress.
Part of this is because of the good care Evelyn receives where she’s living. Part of it is because I’m able to augment that care by providing daily visits to Evelyn from Jessica or Tori who were part-time caregivers at our home before Evelyn moved.
But a big part of my positive answer to Pam is that I’m not stuck in my grief. I’m moving forward.
Significant difference
Notice I didn’t say “moving on.” A comment from a former colleague and current reader of this blog taught me the significant difference between those two similar-sounding phrases.
She quoted mental health educator Taylor Wilkins who explained it this way:
“Moving on carries the weighty connotation of forgetting the thing that you are getting over, invalidating it, and subliminally criticizing how you feel emotionally toward it. Moving on is suggested to happen NOW and time and opportunities are being wasted if you do not.
Moving forward indicates direction but is not concerned with time. Moving forward is hopeful that you will continue to live your life and take steps to carry on, no matter how slowly.
For sure, it’s unhealthy to wallow in grief, get stuck in the past, and ignore the opportunities and responsibilities at hand. But it’s impossible to deny the gut punch of loss or forget the years of sharing together. The key is to remember yesterday while embracing today.
New chapter
This is harder than it sounds, but I sense I’ve opened a new chapter in how I’m dealing with our life. I think I’m moving forward more successfully every day.
One clue is that I don’t cry as much. Notice, I said “as much.” I read somewhere (I’m kicking myself for not copying it) that one measure of progress with grief is the ability to share memories without tears. As I mentioned above, I can do that now.
Evelien Doosje photo at istockphoto.com
I was pleased this weekend I could tell stories about Evelyn, talk about how she used to manage the kitchen or travel the interstate to work, or reminisce about vacations from years gone by—all with no quiver in my voice.
Grief experts explain that the process is not linear, that each person progresses through grief at a different pace, and the grieving person may demonstrate a wide variety of symptoms. I suspect crying is not a significant part of the process for some.
It is for me, but here’s a quote about crying that encourages me. And I did jot down the source for this one! It’s by the children’s book author Dr. Seuss with some very grown-up advice: “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
We shared many smiles this weekend. And when my new friend asked me her well-placed question, I answered without the hint of a tear. I’m glad that was possible.