Shared story: Reflecting, praying, hoping at the start of a new year

Today’s shared story was written by Andrea Leff, New York, New York

On Rosh Hashanah it is written.
On Yom Kippur it is sealed.
Who will live. Who will die.
Who will enjoy good health. Who will be sick.
Who will have an easy time. Who will have stress.
But prayer, repentance and good deeds can lessen the severity.

The 10 days between these two holidays are the most important in Judaism. We look back on the past year at our actions and behaviors and also look toward the next year and how we can be better. We take responsibility for ourselves and sincerely repent to anyone we have offended.

I am not a Judaic scholar nor am I particularly observant, but this time of year causes me to ask questions of myself.

Are my good deeds enough?

I have been a caregiver for my mom, aged 82, who is somewhere in the middle stages of Alzheimer’s. She’s still able to wake, shower, dress, and get her meals together.

We knew Mom was having memory loss, and with the passing of my dad in November 2020, we were panicked that she would spin out of control and get injured or cause problems in her house. Because I am the oldest, with an only child in college, it fell to me to move in with her. I could have left her for long stretches in that first year, but now, three years in, I am needed full time.

When I begin to question, I ask myself, “Are my good deeds of honoring and caring for my mom enough to stave off any divine judgment?” I don’t fully believe I am expected to tick off a list of my actions each week, but sometimes I feel like I’m keeping a log so when the time comes for more hands-on care for mom, I have enough in the pro column to not feel guilty about how I go about getting Mom to accept help or how I can finally move back in with my family.

Praying for the year ahead

I have my moments of frustration, resentment, and exasperation with the more evident decline of my mom. She doesn’t seem to notice the change in my tone of voice, which can be a bit testy sometimes. In the interest of keeping things on an even keel, I don’t apologize for snapping at her which would inevitably lead to me having to explain her condition to her.

So, I will go to synagogue and hear the shofar blow. And next Monday, while I don’t fast, I will pray that I’m doing enough to warrant a healthy and happy year ahead for me and my entire family.

Photo credit: tomertu at istockphoto.com