Shared story: There is life after caregiving! Part two: Moving on

Today’s shared story is by Phyllis Girdwood, a volunteer adult ministry associate director at a satellite campus of Community Christian Church (Naperville, Illinois) located in a senior living community called Carillon in Plainfield, Illinois.

Part One of her story, detailing her long journey with her husband through treatment for kidney disease and cancer, appeared here last week.

As it seemed my husband’s “homegoing” was getting nearer, I was confronted with a new set of questions as I thought about the months ahead. A few examples you might consider, too:

• If other family members are present or nearby, what needs of theirs can you fulfill or resume?
• How will you care for yourself now? Can you return to some of what you’ve given up?
• What will nurture your spirit and soul? Lunch with a friend, a long phone conversation, or a short trip?
• Which friends and family are most sensitive and truly encourage you? Lean on them.
• As part of your self-care, what steps do you need to take to prepare for the next stage?
• If your loved one wants to talk about the future, as painful as that may be, let them. Just try not to make any promises you can’t keep. In his last few days, my husband wanted reassurance that our finances were in good shape, and that we’d provided adequately for me. We also finished his memorial plans one week before his passing

Finally, when your role is over, due to the passing of a loved one, lean on your family and friends. One of my sweetest memories is the nostalgic reminisces I shared with three couples: his brother, our associate minister, a dear friend, and their three wives for several hours until my kids arrived. And lean on your family as you share your loss in varying ways and levels while also sharing the pain.

Often during the final planning and memorial visitation and services, we’re in a “grief fog,” remembering little and going through the motions. Do your best to care for yourself during that time.

Facing reality

My best friend came from California and spent two-and-a-half weeks with me, a true gift in helping me start the process of paperwork, insurance, accounts, and a myriad of other changes. We laughed, cried, enjoyed a special day with other friends, and took the first steps for me to adjust to my “new normal.” Of course, when she left, it was hard, but it was time to function on my own.

As the fog lifts and reality sets in, deal with the basics, what you must do. Decide what’s urgent and what can wait until you’re ready. Make a list of legal and other to-dos, and put them in priority order if possible. Order twice as many death certificates as you think you may need. The extra expense is worth every penny when it simplifies other processes. Most insurance companies will release policies with a simple phone call to the funeral home to verify the death, thus simplifying paperwork and wait time.

Let other things go until you’re ready. Hospice is very efficient in picking up any equipment, supplies, or medicines as soon as possible. Sorting through clothes, health, and personal items can wait. Do it thoughtfully and allow yourself to keep whatever you want. (I gave our sons and my husband’s brothers some of his appropriate ties for Christmas that year.)  That applies to rearranging furniture and other changes too. You’ll know when you’re ready to deal with these areas.

Make time for self-care

Meanwhile make time with friends and family who nurture you and let you be you. I purposely planned some long lunches (several hours) with other new widows and comforting friends. I also planned at least one phone conversation every week with dear friends who were widows or who understood and let me share the emotions I was feeling at the time.

You’ll receive lots of advice from helpful and well-meaning friends and family. Accept what works for you, and discard the rest. I also journaled my feelings while reading Reflections of a Grieving Spouse by H. Norman Wright and Through a Season of Grief by GriefShare.

If one is available that works for you, find a grief support group you’re comfortable with. My work schedule didn’t coincide with any in my area, so I waited until moving a year later to find an amazing faith-based group that I now co-lead. Look for helpful books, podcasts, and blogs too. Our local hospice offers wonderful grief seminars and free counseling.

Consider next steps

Most counselors will tell you not to make any major changes for two years. It’s probably healthy to take any changes slowly.  Because I was retiring and we’d planned at that point to move, I sold my home a year later and moved to a Chicago suburb nearer my kids. I would encourage you to get all facts, research potential options, and prayerfully let God guide you before you follow through on any major decision.

I retired six months after his passing and used the winter months to sort through pictures and stored items (many from our parents). I was downsizing from a large, country ranch to a townhome, so that process (with the help of my sons) took the next six months.

Phyllis Girdwood

Finally, allow yourself to dream and think beyond the details. What do you want to do next? What does God want for you? I planned a return trip to California with my friend and have taken short vacations, mostly to visit friends and others with my family.

When I moved, I took my time jumping into activities. Early on, I joined the grief group and a Bible study and enjoyed regular times with my kids and grandkids. Gradually, I tried out other areas of service until now, I’ve narrowed that to two or three where I both love and serve well; they’re my sweet spots.

And though I never expected to be alone at this age or for this long, God has truly led me to a new, different, and surprisingly fulfilling life with him as my partner and guide.

Photos by Alexander Grey, Priscilla Du Preez, and Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash