Building resilience: a skill it’s never too late for anyone to learn
Fast Company posted an article this summer I should have read several years ago: “The ultimate guide to building resilience so you can bounce back from tough times.”
I discovered it last week in an emailed newsletter distributed periodically by a friend from my preretirement life, Steve Carr. Although Steve’s emails regularly list links to help professional leader types (a group I no longer belong to), his work always interests me.
But nothing has been more helpful than this edition with the piece promising “15 ways to strengthen your resilience.” Since Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint, I figured maybe I still have time—and need—to build up my bounce-back, so I delved in.
iStock photo
Although the advice is aimed at people in the prime of life, not septuagenarians dealing with final chapters, the pointers still apply. Some examples:
• Build your community. I’ve already written how several circles of friends have given me an outlet, a support network, and thus the strength to carry on.
• Develop multiple identities. I’m wrestling with this one. How do I see myself, and how do I want to be seen, now that my primary role is caregiving? “When you cultivate several satisfying and enriching areas of your life,” the article advised, “you may be better able to bounce back.” I’m trying.
• Prepare for the worst. For me it’s a balancing act between preparing for harder times while embracing the good in today. But for all of us, as the article proposes, “change is inevitable.” By thinking ahead, it says, “you get to choose how you react to and how you think about it.”
• Look for the lessons. Ah, yes, a regular prayer: “Lord, what do you want me to learn from this?” (Almost always I resist the urge to remind him that really, I’ve already learned an awful lot! Almost.)
• Break down big challenges. I find myself making the error of pushing aside big issues and being satisfied with handling the urgent. I’m still learning to tackle one small step at a time toward reaching the major goals. I can at least call the lawyer to set an appointment for advice. I can clean out one small corner of a closet or storeroom that’s a major mess. I can buy the book, even though I have trouble making time to read the books I already have.
• Control what you can. Also a big challenge, since the list of areas where I must take over control continues to grow. Are the pajamas always put away in the same place instead of stashed in a drawer where neither of us will find them? Are dirty clothes rehung in the closet instead of put in the wash? What can I do to make sure she doesn’t fall in a parking lot or on a neighborhood sidewalk?
• Shed shame. When stuff is lost or a stumble occurs, I tend to feel either frustrated or guilty. I guess the ultimate place of peace is just to give myself grace for not being able to remember, tend to, or control everything that needs my attention. I need to remember another of the piece’s 15 points: Know that failure is an option. And this one:
• Learn how to reframe (realistically). A quoted expert remembers advice from her grandmother who worked in a steel mill during World War II: She said unchosen hard times have the power to “fortify us. To temper us. To strengthen us. They leave you with who you truly are at the core.”
Hu Chen photo at Unsplash
• Hang on to hope. “Sense a promise of something better ahead,” one quoted expert advised. Christians may run to what they’ve been taught about life forever with God through eternity. But I remember praying earlier this week, “God, it’s difficult for me to have peace trying to fathom a future joy unlike anything we know while forgoing and grieving the loss of happy experiences here and now.” I need to work on this.
• Use the power of writing. One hope I do have: that contributors to this site’s Shared Stories experience some catharsis by telling us about their journey.
• Find your sense of purpose. Our Shared Story writer Ann Snelling decided her purpose was to see her caregiving as service to God. That purpose persists for her even though her father has passed on.
Ann H photo at Pexels.com
It’s difficult for me to be satisfied that efficiently maintaining the most helpful routine for my wife and me—and adjusting to interruptions and surprises without rancor—is a way to please God. But like Ann, when I can believe and remember that each day’s new challenges are just another opportunity to affirm my ultimate purpose of glorifying God with my life, I find at least a drop of courage to keep going.
Although I’ve quoted liberally from the Fast Company article, there’s so much more there than what I’ve mentioned. I encourage you to read the whole thing for yourself. Then share a comment here: What takeaways from the piece most help you build your resilience?
(And while you’re at it, you might decide to subscribe to the e-newsletter where I found the Fast Company article.)