Even when ‘it’ happens, I’m determined to practice gratitude
A fellow caregiver was reporting on her challenging week with two aging parents. “This is hard,” she said. “Really hard.” Her mother with Alzheimer’s is often unhappy in the care facility where she lives, and her 90-something father is faltering at home alone. “I try to muster some measure of gratitude,” my friend said, “but some days it’s just . . . hard.”
I can relate. Later that week a friend and I were catching up after she had spent the afternoon with Evelyn. When Evelyn left us to go to the bathroom, dealing with a digestive issue common among Parkinson’s patients, my friend lowered her voice. “Mark this is shitty,” she said. I glanced up, a little taken aback, and she explained what she meant. “That you have to deal with two illnesses instead of just one of them.”
Even though I was surprised at her choice of words (I’ve never written that one before!), I agreed with a quiet chuckle, “Yeah. You should have been here last night.” There was no need to go into detail.
With caregivers everywhere, I’ll testify, “This is hard.” There’s no virtue or benefit in trying to gloss over the . . . well, you know. As the bumper sticker we’ve all read says (and I’ll paraphrase), “It happens.” But when I give myself time to think, I realize that “it” is not the sum total of my life. And my caregiver friend’s comment has led me to ponder how much gratitude I myself manage to muster.
Difficult moments
Certainly some days—no not whole days, some moments—it’s very difficult for me to feel thankful. Trying to comment on a catalog picture my wife brings me while I’m wrestling with a frying pan sizzling with dinner. Deciding on the fly how to handle some behavior I haven’t seen before. Staying home when we had planned to go out. Cleaning up messes (in the bathroom and other places). These for me do not inspire a chorus of “Come, Ye Thankful People, Come.”
But I am coming to terms with two realities:
(1) Gratitude does help, and (2) in spite of the negatives, I have much to be grateful for.
An authoritative word lends perspective here. Brené Brown, author of New York Times bestseller Atlas of the Heart, did research that underlines the benefits of gratitude, and she found something that will help me.
After 12 years of work with 11,000 pieces of data, she writes, “I did not interview one person who had described themselves as joyful, who did not actively practice gratitude.” She discovered, in other words, that we need not wait for joy to feel grateful. It works the other way around. Practicing gratitude brings joy.
Promise to practice
The word practice is the key. The more we take the initiative to practice gratitude, the better we’ll get at it.
This is the way it was for Brown’s family. They decided to go around the table each evening at dinnertime to share one thing they were grateful for. And her children, to her surprise, warmed to the assignment. In fact, if she or her husband forgot to make time for the nightly report, the kids always reminded them. Gratitude was bringing them closer together, and as Brown reports, it invited more joy into their house.
And so I’ve decided to give it a try. I will work not to let a day pass by in which I don’t tell God and myself at least one reason I’m grateful. I’ll do my best to make it something from that very day, not a general “I’m thankful for my wife” or “I’m grateful for our food.” Better would be, “I’m so thankful she volunteered to get our newspaper from the curb this morning, and I’m grateful for the time she spent reading it.” Or, “I’m so grateful for that marvelous casserole a friend left us for dinner.”
Learning to cope
Other caregivers have reported how this practice helps them cope. “I have been starting my day every day by writing down at least three things I’m grateful for,” Leslie Barton wrote in a post that appeared October 7. “This starts my day on a positive note. Then when challenges arise, and they do, I am reminded of God’s goodness in my life.”
Bob Willson shared the “exact words” he tries to speak each day to his stroke-surviving wife in the nursing home: “We had a good day, didn’t we?”
Here at my household, we’re having good days, too. Sometimes they’re punctuated with disappointing moments. Sometimes frustration threatens to overwhelm. Practicing gratitude has helped me before, and it’s a key strategy for my future.
How has practicing gratitude helped you cope with life’s setbacks and sorrow? Share your experience in the comments below. I intend to write about my experience soon, and I’d love to share more from readers of this blog.