I’m fighting loneliness, and I think, I THINK, I’m winning the battle
Even before Evelyn moved to her current home, I thought about loneliness.
“You’ve never lived alone,” my daughter reminded me. Yes, I had a roommate till our wedding day 51 years ago.
“But you’re already lonely now,” a friend observed several months ago. And I had to admit he was right. It’s a pernicious kind of loneliness felt by a caregiver whose wife with dementia is ignoring him from the next room.
So as I was preparing for her to move, I determined not to give in to loneliness.
A simple Google search tells me this is not just my problem. Some speak of an epidemic of loneliness in the U.S., and it’s worse among seniors. Given my extroversion (I receive energy from other people, not from long periods of contemplation in a quiet corner), I knew I could become another statistic if I weren’t careful.
Fighting loneliness
So I’ve taken some steps to combat loneliness. Here are some of them.
I volunteer with two social service organizations, one of them occasionally and one of them for a half day every week. I love the interaction with those served as well as those serving beside me.
As I’ve mentioned before, I check in with an online support group every Wednesday morning. I’ve joined the group from vacation homes and airport waiting areas. It’s become a vital part of my weeks.
I attend a men’s Bible study on Thursday mornings. (I’ll admit I could be just as un-lonely if it met at 9:00 a.m. instead of 7:00. But the early hour is when they want to meet, and the fellowship and discussion are worth it.)
I go to church and sit with friends and stay for a Bible class. And once a month or so I lead the class discussion. I get almost as many warm greetings, hugs, and pats on the shoulder as Evelyn received when she was going with me. These people have been our lifeline.
Sometimes someone at church invites me to eat Sunday lunch with them. Or sometimes I invite them. Our class leader has organized a semiweekly Wednesday-morning breakfast for the men in the class, and I attend.
I write twice a week for this website and take on small freelance assignments now and then besides. Writing is a solitary experience, but it touches my passion to do something expressive. I’m grateful in old age that my first love wasn’t mountain climbing.
I engage with aides, nurses, and fellow caregivers at the community where Evelyn is living. I enjoy hearing about their lives and problems. Everyone has a story; not everyone has someone to tell it to.
Friends invite me to meet them for breakfast or lunch. And if nobody invites me, I call someone.
Facing weekends
Weekends are the most difficult. My married buddies are busy with their families on the weekend; they’re not inviting me for breakfast or lunch.
I often have a pretty full calendar. This weekend, for example, I drove 90 minutes for a reunion with a large circle from Evelyn’s extended family: her brother and wife and several cousins.
We ate lunch and then spent the afternoon in the shade of a beautiful city park pavilion, talking and laughing and catching up. It was a good day.
But I realized a week ago I had absolutely no plan for Saturday, and Saturdays can be long. When an upcoming Saturday promises nothing beyond the same weekday routine, I don’t like it.
So I invited some friends for dinner. Actually, I invited several sets of friends till I found some who were free that evening. (Married couples make plans to be busy on Saturdays.)
One couple and a recent widow came for a meal I had largely prepared ahead or purchased at Kroger. We were a circle of four that had been six meeting in past years for regular get-togethers. I suspect loneliness could be a problem for all of us, but we weren’t lonely Saturday night.
Two conclusions and a request
All this leads me to two takeaways and then a request.
First, in many ways, loneliness, or giving in to loneliness is a choice. I’ve decided more than once, “I can be lonely, or I can do something not to be lonely.” I’m intentionally fighting loneliness.
Second, and perhaps most important, loneliness is not the same as being alone, and activity and association are not the only and sometimes not the best ways to fight loneliness.
A person must be at peace with himself and God to cope with the long hours when he’s by himself. There’s no way to fill every hour with conversation and company. “I don’t have anyone to be alone with,” a recent 90-year-old widower said. For him, and for me, this isn’t going to change.
I start slowly in the mornings, and I don’t always get up in time for Bible reading and prayer before some duty or appointment takes me away. But I’m studying Scripture every week and hardly ever get in the car without praying as I drive. God hears all my complaints and concerns, and I thank him for all the good heaped upon me. I pray for people whose problems seem to dwarf mine. I know he’s with me.
So I think I’m doing OK battling loneliness. But I have a request. Dear readers, how do you fight loneliness? You have been a most responsive bunch. I’d like to hear your strategies. I know many, many of you have faced this.
I’ll do my best quickly to approve comments here or answer your letters. I’m hoping your responses will provide content for a second post on this subject.
Let’s not fight loneliness alone!