No matter their age, it’s a privilege to partner on the journey

Listen with me to a parent interacting with a young child as they experience the day together.

Dressing time

You don’t want these pants? No? OK. How about these? No? OK. How about these?
Let’s see if we have a top and slacks that go together a little better.
That’s really (too nice to wear just around the house) (not nice enough to wear to church).
It’s time to get dressed now. We have to leave in 15 minutes.
Do you need some help with (that button) (your buckle) (getting your socks on)?
Where are your (shoes) (glasses) (pants we just picked out)?
Let’s look in the mirror and see how your hair’s doing.

Bath time

Make sure you wash everything.
Ooo, doesn’t that warm washcloth feel good on your face?
Would you like me to help you dry your (back) (arms) (feet)?
Let’s not go in the living room with just your towel on.

Playtime

First, let’s look for the puzzle pieces with the straight edges.
Oh, I like your colors! Good job! Don’t worry about staying in the lines.
Let’s find a video with songs we can sing together.
You have fun with [insert name]. I’ll be back soon.

Toilet time

Do you need to go to the bathroom?
You need to go to the bathroom? OK, we’ll stop at the next exit.
You need to go to the bathroom? We’re just 10 minutes from home. Can you wait?
You said you need to go to the bathroom! Now stay in there till you go.
It’s OK, Honey. These sheets will wash, no problem.

Mealtime

Is it too hot?
Is it good?
Can you eat a few more bites?
You need to stay at the table till you’re finished eating.
Use your fork for that.
That’s my drink. Yours is right here.
Let’s leave the serving spoon in the big dish. This is your spoon.
We’ll watch some TV after you finish and we clean up the table.

Bedtime

You can’t wear that to sleep in. Let’s get in your jammies.
It’s late and I have to get up early tomorrow. Let’s turn the light out now.
Why are you up? You need to get back in bed.
Today was a good day, wasn’t it? Do you think you’ll be able to go to sleep?
It’s really too early to get up yet. Do you need to go to the bathroom? You can go back to bed after you’re finished.
I love you!

It’s constant and repetitive and tiring. But it’s worth it because you know each instruction, each guiding hand, every rule will help equip the child to function well on his own. He’s learning more every day.

Oh that it were so for the dementia sufferer! But here’s the thing. I’ve spoken every one of those phrases—every one!—to Evelyn in the last couple of years: some of them once or twice, many of them every day. But unlike the preschooler, Evelyn’s not learning any longer.

Remember

That would be interesting if it weren’t so sad. I wrote about the intersecting trend lines between the developing child and the devolving dementia victim in Monday’s post.

Evelyn and our six-year-old grandson worked on a puzzle together this summer. He placed most of the pieces, but she didn’t seem to mind.

The child moves on, building on the feedback of her parent. Meanwhile, the dementia sufferer can only try to remember. And who knows whether this struggle to reconstruct the rules is more tiring for the caretaker or the sufferer herself?

I’ve thought about this before. But somehow, the aptness of the comparison hit harder this week after considering it for Monday’s piece.

It pierced at least one reader, too. He wrote, “The child metaphor . . . has been, for me, one of the most painful cruelties: the recognition that in the face of all love, effort, and care, my dad’s disease still steadily marches him downward.”

Trying to resist or deny this only makes it worse. Thinking about the privilege keeps the weariness at bay.

Privilege

Young parents find strength in the dreams and visions they have for this child making messes, resisting direction, and taking too long to get dressed. They get to help him realize all the potential he has to achieve and attain. It’s a privilege

The caregiver has visions, but mostly of days gone by: memories of the capable doer piling on accomplishments and making life better for those around her.

As we interact with this shadow of that past standing before us, all that she was is enough. We can enjoy whatever she still offers today without worrying too much about tomorrow. It’s a privilege.