Shared story: Others walking with us made all the difference

Today’s shared story comes from Ann Snelling, a speaker and writer from Silverton, Oregon.

My dad, Arthur Gregg, moved in with us in 2015 at the age of 95. For the next five-and-a-half years my husband, Le, and I were privileged to care for him. At first he did not require much care, just oversight of his finances, meals, and laundry as well as taking him to appointments. As time progressed, we dealt with the changes to his body caused by age. We did not deal with degenerative diseases or terminal illnesses but handled the decline that accompanies the body aging and gradually beginning to fail in every area.

Daddy celebrated his 100th birthday with a community open house that was attended by 175+ people. Eleven months later in January of 2020 he went to his Heavenly reward, just one month shy of his 101st birthday. It was a life well lived.

Our story is a bit different from some of the other caregivers who have posted here in that both Le and I were active in the caregiving. That made a big difference to have a built-in backup. Yet, we discovered some things along the way that made a difference for us These were simple things that supported us, keeping us balanced, supported by others, and moving forward each day with joy. Let me share some of what helped us.

Weekly lunch out

Every Thursday my dad and another friend from church, a widower, went to lunch in a nearby town. They had established this habit long before Daddy came to live with us. After he was living with us and not driving anymore, his friend continued to come and pick him up for their weekly lunch. Over time they began including widow ladies from church, eventually having a carload of folks who had a time of fun, food, laughter, and fellowship for three hours every week.

The blessing for me was that I knew every Thursday from noon to 3 p.m. my dad would be picked up, looked after, and having fun with his church friends. Sometimes I arranged my schedule to be gone running errands or enjoying the down time. It was a big deal for me.

Church seniors

Daddy had been part of the seniors group at his church for many years prior to moving in with us. After the move, he continued to attend Sunday school and church faithfully every week. Every Sunday there was a group of seniors who went to a restaurant together for lunch. Always, Daddy was included and after the meal, someone from the group brought him home.

Once again, this was not only good for him but a welcome break for my husband and me.

Time away

Ann with her husband and her dad at his 100th birthday party.

Early on, Le and I made a decision that we would regularly be gone to give all three of us a respite. Initially we wanted to make it a monthly time away, but that didn’t always happen. Often we would get away for the weekend with another couple and go either to the coast or to the mountains. Always it was refreshing to be gone with dear friends, relaxing, laughing, playing games, hiking, resting, and sharing life. We discovered these getaways were an important part of maintaining physical, mental, social, and spiritual balance as we continued our caregiving commitment.

Interim caregivers

Long before my dad required a skilled caregiver, we began developing friendships with people who were willing to come and stay with him so Le and I could be gone, either for a few hours or a weekend. Some of these helpers were folks who went to church with him. Others were recommended to us, began staying with Daddy, and became dear friends in the process. It was such a comfort having someone stay with Daddy who knew him and loved him.

Hospitality

While my dad was still living in his own home and after my mother died, we began having him come to dinner every Tuesday evening. That wasn’t the only time he ate with us, but he knew that every Tuesday he would join us for dinner. As time progressed with these regular Tuesday dinners, our elderly neighbor, Bob, lost his wife. He was invited to join us, which he did. For quite awhile there were four of us every Tuesday for dinner. All of us enjoyed the time of visiting, eating, and laughing at Bob’s stories.

Ann and her dad being interviewed by the newspaper regarding his upcoming birthday.

Eventually we added two more widowers to the Tuesday dinner group. Over the months of meals together we laughed at many stories and awkward situations that occurred as a result of them living alone; we heard war experiences from the veterans in the group; we grieved over the heartaches of dysfunctional family relationships; we laughed over the occasional awful dish served because a wrong ingredient was used.(Ask me about the “hot” pumpkin pie I served after accidentally using chili power instead of cinnamon!) Cooking tips were doled out and recipes shared as the widowers adjusted to life without their mate. Over time our lives bonded together as a result of gathering together around the table. It became apparent that eating with others and having conversation was even more significant than the much appreciated home-cooked meals..

Trips

Le and I continued to take Daddy on trips: day trips, a weekend away, or longer vacations. As Daddy’s health declined, it became more difficult for us to make it happen, but was always worth the extra effort. Having two of us helping with the caregiving made it more doable.

The very last trip was approximately five weeks before Daddy died, traveling out of state for a family funeral. We had to take a wheelchair, a bed rail, plastic sheeting for the carpet, cleaning supplies, his meds, and more. It was a production, but we were able to share in a special time with family and Daddy saw his grandchildren and great-grandchildren one last time.

Humor

Early on we realized that we couldn’t change the health decline of a 100-year-old. Nature was going to take its course. We cultivated the habit of inserting humor whenever and wherever we could. Fortunately, my dad had a dry sense of humor and contributed to making us laugh. The things that couldn’t be changed we chose to laugh about—together.

Friends

Maintaining relationships with our close friends became increasingly important as Daddy needed more and more care. Our friends continued to visit, not only with us, but also with him. Always our friends included my dad in conversation. If Daddy was in his own living area, they would go spend time with him first. Even at the very end when Daddy was in a hospital bed, friends would go into his room to see him and love on him. As a caregiver, it meant so much that our friends loved my dad as well and invested in his welfare. In doing so they were also giving to us.

Our friends also invested in our welfare by sitting and listening to us talk. Sometimes our greatest need was to have a listening ear so we could dump.

Our caregiving journey would have been so much more difficult without the support of daddy’s friends and our circle of friends. The small, thoughtful gestures from others made all the difference.